The Top 15 Divorce Jokes

Some people believe that laughter is the best medicine. When dealing with a divorce, you might need a good laugh more than anything. Whether you are planning a divorce party with friends or if looking for something to cheer yourself up, reading something funny can be the perfect remedy. This list compiles the Top 15 divorce jokes, which were written by people who have gone through the same painful breakup that you have.

(Find the original sources by clicking on the link in the title.)

1. The Husband and the Lawyer

“This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit. ‘I’ve got grounds, all right,’ sputtered the irate husband. ‘Can you believe my wife told me I’m a lousy lover?’ ‘That’s why you’re suing?’ pursued his lawyer. ‘Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference.’”

 

2. The Wife and the Lawyer

“Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce.

Lawyer: Are you married?

Wife: Yes, of course.

Lawyer: Then you have grounds.”

 

3. Jack and Friends 

“Jack is telling his friends about his recent divorce. ‘Yeah, she divorced me for religious reasons. She worshiped money, and I didn’t have any.’”

 

4. The Man in Court

“A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, ‘Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.’ ‘Because,’ the man says, ‘I live in a two-story house.’ The judge replies, ‘What kind of reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?’ The man answers, ‘Well judge, one story is ‘I have a headache,’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.’”

 

5. Divorced Barbie

“Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday, and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store, and he asked the store manager, ‘How much is that new Barbie in the window?’ The manager replied, ‘Which one? We have Gym Barbie for $19.95, Ball Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.’ ‘Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?’ Ralph asked, surprised. The manager replied, ‘Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat, and Ken’s furniture.”

 

6. Losing a House

“What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire, and a divorce have in common? They are four ways you can lose your house!”

 

7. Divorces and Mothers

“What’s the only thing divorce proves? Whose mother was right in the first place.”

 

8. Marriage and Experience

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”

 

9. Divorce and the Remote Control 

“A young woman is divorced after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. ‘Right now, no,’ the young woman answers, ‘I’ve hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control.’”

 

10. Light Bulbs

“How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows. They never get to keep the house.”

 

11. The Professional Lemon Picker

“Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida, decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and schoolteacher. The foreman frowned and said, ‘I have to ask you: have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?’ ‘Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced three times and owned 2 Chryslers.’”

 

12. You Be the Judge!

“A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, ‘Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?’”

 

13. Spending the Night

“My friend asked me, ‘Why are you getting a divorce?’ I responded, ‘My wife wasn’t home the entire night, and in the morning, she said she spent the night at her sister’s house.’ He said, ‘So?’ And I responded, ‘She’s lying. I spent the night at her sister’s house!’”

 

14. Ice Bucket Challenge

“I challenged my ex-wife to do the ‘Ice Bucket Challenge.’ This will be the first time the water starts out warm and turns into ice.”

 

15. Note on the Fridge

“I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator: ‘It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother.’ I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. What was she talking about?”

Laughter can be a great way to take your mind off of your divorce. When you are feeling down, why not share some of your own divorce jokes with friends and family to lighten your mood?

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

 

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Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA

Dallas, Texas

Shawn C. H. Leamon is Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, a firm that helps successful families manage large financial transitions like divorce, inheritance and selling a business.

He earned his Bachelor of Arts from Dartmouth College, double majoring in Economics and Philosophy, and his Masters in Business Administration at Spain’s IE Business School.

Before founding LaGrande Global, Shawn helped manage $1.1 billion in client assets at Bernstein Global Wealth Management. He also worked as a credit research analyst at J.P. Morgan. He is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, and he has been an advisor to numerous high-stakes divorce cases.

Shawn is the author of two well-received finance books: Managing Private Wealth: Principles, and Divorce and Your Money: The No-Nonsense Guide, both published in 2016.

In his spare time, Shawn is an ultra-endurance athlete and has competed in events as long as 24 hours. He is an Eagle Scout and a member of the Alumni Board of Greenhill School.